🏈 The Wieners Go Limp. Scott Survives by Three-Tenths of a Prayer.

The undefeated table is down to one chair. Thomas beat Jim 118.0–94.8, ending the Mighty Wieners’ perfect start while Kyle Monangai spent Sunday running through NFL defenders and watching Jim’s fantasy season from the bench. Meanwhile, Scott survived Rickey by 0.3, a margin so thin he could paint over it with one coat. Scott’s victory message was appropriately measured: “I win by .3 points. 4-0!!” Somewhere, Rickey is still staring at Tyler Shough’s final total like the missing points might be under the couch.

Paul won the week with 139.0, shipped Hilton a 48.8-point beating, and took sole possession of first in White. Richard won his second straight, despite keeping enough points on his bench to open a competing franchise. Shawn finally won, and did it with a perfect scoring lineup. Four weeks in, everybody has tasted victory except Hilton, whose team has apparently filed a motion to postpone football until further notice.

And now the NFL adds byes to the injury pile. Week 5 is the first bye week, with Carolina and Kansas City off. The guys who just carried several teams will be unavailable this weekend. Congratulations on surviving September. October would like to see your depth chart. (NFL bye schedule)

📊 THE SCOREBOARD

Bareback Trailer Park Boys — 118.0 · Mighty Wieners — 94.8

Thomas Cashes the Check. Jim Leaves the Money in His Other Lineup.

Thomas got 28.8 from Javonte Williams, 24.5 from C.J. Stroud, and 16.0 from Spencer Shrader, his Wednesday waiver pickup. That is a useful transaction: acquire a kicker, put him in, collect actual points. Thomas also corrected last week’s costly receiver decision by starting Michael Wilson, who delivered 13.0. DJ Moore’s 2.2 and Dalton Kincaid’s 1.2 were ugly, but the rest of the lineup covered the bill. A banker finally put the productive assets where they could earn something.

Jim’s Brock Purdy scored 19.9, James Cook 15.3, and the Seahawks defense 12.0. Marcus Mariota’s 5.3 came before an early knee injury; Washington confirmed an MCL sprain with no exact return timetable. That belongs in the bad-luck column. Nobody gets to pretend a manager should have predicted an in-game injury. The bench, however, deserves its own hearing: Monangai 27.5 versus Jeremiyah Love 6.0, and Deebo Samuel 15.5 versus Jordan Addison 7.1. (Mariota update)

The math matters. Monangai alone gets Jim to 116.3—still a 1.7-point loss. Monangai plus Deebo gets him to 124.7 and a 6.7-point win, without changing Mariota at all. Chicago fed Monangai 30 carries for 146 rushing yards and two touchdowns. Jim fed him a folding chair. This wasn’t necessarily an obvious call before kickoff, but it is a spectacularly unpleasant receipt afterward. Thomas ends his two-game skid at 2–2; Jim falls to 3–1 and, as he confirmed in the chat, exits the Survivor pool as well. Two departures, one bench. (Monangai’s monster day)

149ers — 111.0 · Luther Vandross Slow Jamz — 110.7

Scott Wins by a Swizzle Stick. Rickey Finds a Third Setting: Agony.

After last week’s first-place finish, Rickey Bobby discovered you can be neither first nor last and still have a miserable evening. Kenneth Walker III’s 30.4 kept Scott upright, with Josh Allen 20.2, Chris Olave 15.6, Jordan Love 14.3, and Brandon Aubrey 12.0 providing the support. Saquon Barkley’s 1.5 came with a hamstring injury, so the Tony Pollard bench score is hindsight, not proof of a foolish start. Scott finished eighth in scoring and still walked out 4–0. The man could fall through the bar’s front window and land in the VIP section.

Rickey got 18.4 from Sam LaPorta, 17.1 from Shough, and 15.7 from Jahmyr Gibbs. He extracted 98.8% of his best possible lineup score and lost anyway. The tiny difference was at receiver: Khalil Shakir 10.7 on the bench versus Luther Burden III 9.4 starting. That swap produces 112.0 and a 1.0-point win. Burden had scored 16.3 last week while Shakir managed 1.1, so this was a defensible choice with a rotten ending. Replacing Bucky Irving with J.K. Dobbins would add only 0.1 and still lose. The misery requires the right receipt.

Scott is the last unbeaten team, but next week’s RB room comes with blinking lights: Walker is on bye; Barkley is week-to-week with his hamstring. Pollard and Braelon Allen are available roster options, while Zach Charbonnet has already been ruled out for Week 5. Going undefeated apparently earns you a complimentary staffing crisis. (Barkley report; Charbonnet update)

When In Rome — 139.0 · LiquidRice;SolidScat — 90.2

Paul Ships a Beating. Hilton Requests Signature Confirmation.

Tetairoa McMillan scored 38.2, the week’s best individual performance, after 14 catches, 192 yards, and two touchdowns in Carolina’s win over Detroit. Last week he scored 2.7. This week he added 35.5 more and turned Hilton into the packing material. Bijan Robinson supplied 27.2, Quinshon Judkins 18.6, and George Kittle 15.0. Paul posted 143.9 and 139.0 in consecutive wins—282.9 over two weeks. Rome has gone from rebuilding to charging admission. (McMillan’s career night)

Hilton’s Dak Prescott and Jameis Winston combined for 39.9. His two starting receivers combined for 7.7. Cam Little kicked in 14.0, almost twice the receiver contribution, which is a depressing way to discover your team has a strong foot and no hands. Even Hilton’s best possible scoring lineup reaches only 96.4. There is no bench conspiracy here. Paul still wins by 42.6. Hilton is 0–4, last in weekly points for the second straight week, and his scoring sequence now reads 148.7 → 106.0 → 91.6 → 90.2. That’s a staircase somebody forgot to stop building.

Richard suggested in the chat that hosting the draft and figuring out the oven had distracted Hilton from assembling a team. At this point, the oven has a stronger case for postseason participation. Hilton does get the league’s hardest schedule, but that doesn’t make 90.2 edible. Paul moves to 3–1 and leads White; Hilton gets another week to explain why the defense rests while the offense apparently never got out of bed.

Jed York Trailer Park MVP’s — 128.2 · PuxxPhil Cornbread Cardmakers — 125.3

Richard Reaches Mediocrity. Phil Misplaces AA Ron.

Drake Maye 28.1, Nico Collins 27.3, and Tee Higgins 21.2 supplied Richard’s rescue crew. Christian McCaffrey and Jaylen Warren added a combined 28.6, enough to survive Geno Smith’s 8.5 and Travis Kelce’s 2.5. Richard is 2–2 after opening 0–2, and described his new ambition perfectly: “next step, mildly above average!!” Two wins have turned the project manager’s status report from “on fire” to “within shouting distance of acceptable.”

Phil deserves the injury credit he requested in the chat. Jayden Daniels and Breece Hall supplied no Week 4 points from the sideline, yet Emanuel Wilson delivered 25.5, Kirk Cousins 24.2, and Puka Nacua finally returned to the scoresheet with 23.2. Puka’s entire first three weeks totaled 9.9; this one performance more than doubled that. Phil scored third-most in the league and lost by 2.9. His own postgame diagnosis: “And all I had to do was play a little AA ron.” Correct—with one important seating instruction. Rodgers’s 24.6 over Mahomes’s 17.9 gives Phil 132.0 and a 3.8-point win. Rodgers over Cousins adds only 0.4 and still loses. Even the accounting joke needs the right column.

Richard’s confession was equally honest: he’d benched an RB who scored 31. Kyren Williams actually had 31.7, the league’s biggest bench score, 17.6 more than Warren. Tucker Kraft’s 13.5 also beat Kelce by 11.0. Richard’s total available lineup ceiling was 168.5, with an eligible superflex reshuffle adding Malik Nabers’s 20.2 while moving Maye to QB. He left 40.3 recoverable points behind and won anyway. Phil brought a calculator to a bar fight; Richard brought a bench he never bothered to unfold. The next decision also needs an injury check: Higgins is day-to-day with an adductor issue. (Higgins update)

Brock of Ages — 120.9 · AJ Brown and the Out of Towners — 115.8

Shawn Finally Gets a Chemical Reaction. Ashley Leaves the Active Ingredient on the Bench.

Last week Shawn said he wasn’t sure he wanted to read another reminder of how bad his team was. This week, sir, please pull up a stool. Jonathan Taylor 22.2, Carnell Tate 18.0, Brock Bowers 17.6, and Ashton Jeanty 15.6 led a lineup in which all seven offensive starters reached double figures. Herbert, Waddle, and Kyler all chipped in. Shawn started the highest-scoring eligible combination on his roster: 120.9 out of 120.9, 100% efficiency. The chemical engineer finally found the mixture that doesn’t just produce smoke and an apology.

Ashley got 22.7 from Bryce Young, 21.8 from Zay Flowers, 19.9 from Lamar Jackson, and 16.0 from Ka’imi Fairbairn. But Alvin Kamara’s 20.3 sat behind Jacory Croskey-Merritt’s 6.0, and Rashid Shaheed’s 11.8 sat behind Davante Adams’s 5.2. Either substitution wins: Kamara produces 130.1, Shaheed 122.4. Last week’s newsletter noted Ashley already had Kamara as an option with Etienne unavailable. This week the option produced 20.3, and Ashley treated it like the pharmaceutical sample nobody takes out of the drawer.

Shawn gets his first win and moves to 1–3. Ashley falls to 2–2 after consecutive losses, and now his quarterback cushion is shrinking: Lamar’s ankle sprain leaves only an outside chance of playing Week 5. Bryce is on bye. Michael Penix Jr. is already on Ashley’s roster, but one available quarterback doesn’t fill two jobs. The Out of Towners have taken the team name a little too literally. (Lamar update)

Egbuka’s Clan — 122.3 · Oh Shoughs! — 90.9

Danny Fires Pitts. The Rest of the Kitchen Still Can’t Pass Inspection.

Joe Burrow scored 27.5, Chuba Hubbard 25.4, Jared Goff 22.0, and Will Reichard 19.0 for Jerry. Reichard was a Thursday addition who went straight into the lineup and supplied a serious contribution. Those four totaled 93.9, enough to beat Danny on their own. Justin Jefferson remained on Jerry’s bench with zero points, and Emeka Egbuka managed 2.3, but Jerry had enough working parts to keep the assembly line moving. 122.3 is his best score of the season, and he’s back to 2–2.

Danny finally terminated the Pitts subscription. “Check my lineup smartass, he’s been fired,” he told the chat, and the transaction log backs him up: Wednesday’s successful claim of Ollie Gordon II dropped Kyle Pitts. Gordon scored 17.0 starting, a useful response to losing Achane and a player several other owners tried to claim. The move deserves credit. Unfortunately, CeeDee Lamb’s 32.8 had to drag most of the remaining lineup through the parking lot. David Montgomery, Ja’Marr Chase, Jake Ferguson, and the Broncos defense combined for 12.1. Even Danny’s best scoring lineup only reaches 99.6, still 22.7 short. You can’t fix the whole restaurant by hiring one competent busboy.

Chase’s 4.2 came before a concussion, and he is now in the concussion protocol; that injury is bad luck, not a start/sit failure. Pitts, meanwhile, found a new fantasy employer: Scott added him Saturday, and his 6.2 stayed on Scott’s bench. No game swung because of the move, so let’s hold the genius certificate. But getting fired by a 1–3 team and hired by a 4–0 team is one hell of a reference check. (Chase update)

🏆 WEEKLY AWARDS

🌋 Player of the Week — Tetairoa McMillan, Roman Candle

38.2, the week’s high. Paul kept him in after 2.7 last week and got the kind of rebound that leaves scorch marks on Hilton’s patio furniture.

📦 Ass-Kicking of the Week — Paul’s Special Delivery

139.0–90.2, margin 48.8. Paul owns a shipping store; this package arrived with tracking, insurance, and a photograph of Hilton lying beneath it.

🔬 Photo Finish — Scott’s Three-Tenths Miracle

111.0–110.7. Scott preserved perfection by 0.3. Rickey preserved a reason to be unbearable about stat corrections all week.

🪑 Fantasy Football Terrorist Award — The Mighty Bench Wieners

Monangai over Love: +21.5. Deebo over Addison: +8.4. Combined: +29.9 and a win. Jim’s injury-shortened QB outing gets a pass; the RB/WR combination gets the chair. Nothing says “deep roster” like losing while the depth buys another beer.

🏛️ Benchwarmer Hall of Fame — Kyren Williams

31.7 on Richard’s bench, the highest unused individual score in the league. Better than every Richard starter. Apparently the MVP trailer park has luxury accommodations for people who don’t have to work Sunday.

🦆 Bullet Dodged — Richard’s 40.3-Point Escape

128.2 started; 168.5 available. Kyren, Kraft, and a Nabers superflex reshuffle could have supplied another 40.3. Richard won by 2.9 anyway. The bench audit arrives wearing a clown suit, but the win column still counts it.

🍀 Schedule Merchant — Scott, This Week’s Lucky Bastard

Eighth in scoring, 4–7 in weekly all-play, one actual win. Seven possible opponents would have beaten him. He drew Rickey and finished 0.3 ahead. A strong team can still have a very lucky Sunday.

🚔 Robbed at Gunpoint — Phil’s 125.3

Third-highest score, 9–2 in weekly all-play, one actual loss. Only Paul and Richard outscored Phil. Naturally, Richard was the guy across the table. AA Ron could have changed the ending, but the schedule still picked the right pocket to empty.

🗑️ Dumpster Fire of the Week — LiquidRice;SolidScat

90.2, last again, 0–4. The team name promised a digestive emergency. Four weeks in, Hilton has delivered a recurring service.

🧪 Manager of the Week — Shawn Finds the Formula

100% lineup efficiency and his first win. No eligible bench substitution improved Brock of Ages. After three weeks of roasting, Shawn gets the entire top shelf and the good glass.

🏝️ Survivor Pool Exit — Jim’s Double Checkout

His 94.8 was the lowest score among the remaining Survivor entrants; Hilton and Danny were already out, as was Rickey. Jim loses the undefeated badge and the Survivor seat in the same week. Please leave your wristband with the bartender.

🍳 New Job, Same Apron — Kyle Pitts

Danny fired him. Scott hired him. 6.2 on the new boss’s bench, and no impact on the result. The league has successfully completed a transaction that produces more jokes than starting points.

🪑 START ‘EM? APPARENTLY NOT.

These are the three most consequential bench misses, ranked by the points needed to reverse the result. They’re hindsight comparisons, not claims that every choice was obvious before kickoff. In-game injuries don’t belong on the charge sheet.

1. Jim — Two Open Seats, One Closed Tab

Started: Jeremiyah Love — 6.0; Jordan Addison — 7.1 Benched: Kyle Monangai — 27.5; Deebo Samuel — 15.5 Cost: 29.9 points together Result with those two swaps: 124.7–118.0 win

Monangai alone still loses. Add Deebo and Thomas’s victory turns into Jim’s fourth straight. The league’s nerdy AI guy has found a way to automate his own public humiliation.

2. Ashley — The Kamara Sample Was Sitting Right There

Started: Jacory Croskey-Merritt — 6.0 Benched: Alvin Kamara — 20.3 Cost: 14.3 points Result with the swap: 130.1–120.9 win

Ashley also had a second independent escape hatch: Shaheed over Adams adds 6.6 and wins by 1.5. Two doors marked EXIT, and he climbed into the supply closet.

3. Phil — Put AA Ron in the Mahomes Column

Started: Patrick Mahomes — 17.9 Benched: Aaron Rodgers — 24.6 Cost: 6.7 points Result with the swap: 132.0–128.2 win

Starting Mahomes isn’t an absurd decision. Losing with Rodgers sitting there still hurts, especially after correctly identifying it yourself in the chat. This week’s balance sheet comes with a complimentary shot of regret.

Smallest painful miss: Rickey. Shakir over Burden adds 1.3, turning the 0.3 loss into a 1.0 win. He got almost everything right. Fantasy football remains perfectly willing to punish “almost.”

📈 HEATING UP / 📉 CIRCLING THE DRAIN

🔥 Heating Up

Paul: Two straight wins, 282.9 points over those games, and the White lead at 3–1. His 27–17 all-play record is tied for second-best. Losing McMillan to this week’s bye is a test of the empire’s depth, not a reason to pretend the empire hasn’t arrived.

Richard: 124.9 and 128.2, consecutive wins, and an 0–2 start repaired to 2–2. The season all-play mark is still 21–23, so “mildly above average” remains a goal. His last two weeks are genuine improvement. The unused bench points also suggest the ceiling is considerably higher than his current parking space.

Scott: Four straight wins, league-leading 535.3 points, and the best all-play record at 32–12. His scoring has declined each week—166.7, 132.4, 125.2, 111.0—but the overall case for first is still strong. This week’s luck helped. The first three weeks built the cushion.

Shawn gets a parole hearing, not a parade. His first win came with his best score and perfect lineup efficiency. That’s progress worth recognizing; one good week hasn’t erased the other three.

🧊 Circling the Drain

Hilton: Four losses, three straight scores below 107, and back-to-back league-low finishes. The 148.7 opener is now the fantasy equivalent of an old profile picture. Yes, the schedule has been brutal. No, that doesn’t explain why the offense keeps serving smaller portions.

Danny: 135.8 → 101.3 → 90.9, two straight losses, and the league’s lowest season scoring total at 405.9. Losing Achane was real bad luck, Gordon was a useful response, and Chase’s concussion makes the repair job harder. The roster still needs more than a new tight-end complaint department.

Ashley: Two straight losses after starting 2–0. The scoring bounced back from 97.1 to 115.8, so this isn’t a collapse in production. It is a costly combination of unused bench help and a Week 5 quarterback problem. The name-based jokes can wait; his actual roster has volunteered stronger material.

🍀 LUCK INDEX — FOUR WEEKS, 44 COMPARISONS

All-play asks how your final score would have done against the other 11 teams that same week. Add those weekly comparisons across four weeks and every team has 44 results. It measures scoring strength without the head-to-head schedule. There have been no ties, so the records below are wins–losses.

Team	Actual record	Week 4 all-play	Season all-play	Points scored
Scott — 149ers	4–0	4–7	32–12	535.3
Paul — When In Rome	3–1	11–0	27–17	483.6
Phil — PuxxPhil Cornbread Cardmakers	2–2	9–2	27–17	463.2
Ashley — AJ Brown and the Out of Towners	2–2	5–6	24–20	493.8
Thomas — Bareback Trailer Park Boys	2–2	6–5	24–20	484.4
Rickey — Luther Vandross Slow Jamz	2–2	3–8	23–21	500.5
Jim — Mighty Wieners	3–1	2–9	23–21	453.7
Richard — Jed York Trailer Park MVP’s	2–2	10–1	21–23	446.7
Jerry — Egbuka’s Clan	2–2	8–3	19–25	426.2
Danny — Oh Shoughs!	1–3	1–10	17–27	405.9
Shawn — Brock of Ages	1–3	7–4	15–29	414.7
Hilton — LiquidRice;SolidScat	0–4	0–11	12–32	436.5

This week’s luckiest bastard: Scott. A 4–7 score against the field became a win by 0.3. His season-leading all-play record is why this award comes with a qualifier: he earned his place at the top, then got a generous refill.

This week’s unluckiest bastard: Phil. A 9–2 score met a 10–1 score. Phil and Paul have the same 27–17 season all-play record, but Paul is 3–1 and Phil 2–2. Phil has faced 494.6 points, Paul 421.3. That’s 73.3 more opposing points for the accountant to explain to whoever handles the league’s expense reimbursements.

Jim’s record still flatters the season’s scoring. He’s 3–1 with 23–21 all-play, the same mark as 2–2 Rickey, and has faced the league’s fewest points: 399.8. Thomas finally supplied the bill. Hilton has faced the most, 545.0, but his 12–32 all-play record also says he has usually lost to the field. Hard schedule, weak weekly output: both things can be true without turning 0–4 into a secret championship campaign.

💪 POWER RANKINGS

These weigh season scoring, all-play, recent form, and roster concerns. The upcoming byes matter for Week 5; they don’t erase four weeks of football.

1. Scott — 149ers · 4–0 · All-play 32–12 · Last week: 1

Only unbeaten, most points, best all-play. The 0.3 escape doesn’t revoke the crown. Walker’s bye and Barkley’s hamstring do make the crown considerably less comfortable this weekend.

2. Paul — When In Rome · 3–1 · All-play 27–17 · Last week: 5

Two straight big scores and a convincing division lead. McMillan’s bye tests the reserves, but Paul has earned the biggest promotion of the week. Rome now offers same-day humiliation.

3. Rickey — Luther Vandross Slow Jamz · 2–2 · All-play 23–21 · Last week: 2

Second in total scoring at 500.5, with the ceiling already demonstrated twice. The weekly swings keep him below Paul; a 0.3 loss with 98.8% lineup efficiency keeps him out of the punishment basement.

4. Thomas — Bareback Trailer Park Boys · 2–2 · All-play 24–20 · Last week: 7

Third straight week below 120, but the lineup correction, Shrader contribution, and win over an unbeaten team are worth a move up. He finally cashed the ticket he left on the bench last week.

5. Phil — PuxxPhil Cornbread Cardmakers · 2–2 · All-play 27–17 · Last week: 6

Tied for second in all-play, Puka contributing again, and enough QB depth to survive Mahomes’s bye if the available options cooperate. The actual record undersells him. The Rodgers regret accurately prices this particular Sunday.

6. Ashley — AJ Brown and the Out of Towners · 2–2 · All-play 24–20 · Last week: 4

Third in season points at 493.8, but two straight losses and a quarterback squeeze push him down. His best Week 4 lineup would have scored 136.7. There’s talent here; someone needs to put the right names on the guest list.

7. Richard — Jed York Trailer Park MVP’s · 2–2 · All-play 21–23 · Last week: 8

Two straight wins and a bench full of actual production. Recent form beats the mediocre season record, narrowly. His next project milestone is “use more of the points we already own.”

8. Jim — Mighty Wieners · 3–1 · All-play 23–21 · Last week: 3

The record says contender; the weekly scoring and easy schedule have been asking follow-up questions. A 94.8 loss finally answers one. Monangai and Deebo show there’s recoverable upside, while Mariota’s injury makes Watson’s existing insurance valuable again.

9. Jerry — Egbuka’s Clan · 2–2 · All-play 19–25 · Last week: 11

His best week, a useful kicker addition, and a win despite Jefferson’s zero. The season scoring still trails most of the room. Hubbard’s bye now removes a productive starter, so the assembly line needs a replacement shift.

10. Shawn — Brock of Ages · 1–3 · All-play 15–29 · Last week: 12

Perfect lineup, first win, permission to make eye contact at the bar again. He stays below Jerry because one good Sunday doesn’t erase the season’s weakest all-play mark outside Hilton.

11. Danny — Oh Shoughs! · 1–3 · All-play 17–27 · Last week: 9

Gordon helped. Lamb exploded. Still 90.9, still last in cumulative scoring, now waiting on Chase’s concussion status. Firing Pitts was a personnel move; it hasn’t yet become a turnaround.

12. Hilton — LiquidRice;SolidScat · 0–4 · All-play 12–32 · Last week: 10

No wins, two straight weekly lows, and no hidden lineup that fixes the latest beating. The hardest schedule earns sympathy. This ranking comes from everything else.

🛑 WEEK 5 BYE WATCH — THE BAR IS CLOSED FOR THESE GUYS

Carolina and Kansas City are off. Here are the biggest league-roster absences, plus the quieter bench hits. These are scheduled byes, so there is no Sunday morning miracle to wait for. (Week 5 schedule; Chiefs roster; Panthers roster)

Owner	Players unavailable on bye	Week 5 consequence
Scott	Kenneth Walker III	His 30.4-point Week 4 anchor sits while Barkley’s status is uncertain.
Paul	Tetairoa McMillan	The week’s 38.2-point star takes a scheduled victory lap.
Ashley	Bryce Young	His 22.7-point superflex sits while Lamar’s availability is in doubt.
Phil	Patrick Mahomes, Emmett Johnson	Cousins and Rodgers offer QB options; watch Daniels’s return progress.
Richard	Travis Kelce	Kraft is already on the roster and outscored Kelce this week.
Jerry	Chuba Hubbard	The 25.4-point RB contribution needs replacing; RJ Harvey is on the bench.
Danny	Harrison Butker, Xavier Worthy	Needs a kicker; Worthy’s receiver depth is also unavailable.
Hilton	Chiefs D/ST, Rashee Rice	Needs a defense; Rice also has a hamstring injury to monitor beyond the bye.
Jim	Jalen Coker	A bench absence alongside the more pressing quarterback situation.
Shawn	Jonathon Brooks	Already in the IR slot; no Week 4 starter lost to these byes.

Injury watch, separate from byes: Washington’s stated goal is a full practice week and a Sunday start for Jayden Daniels, which would help Phil, but it remains a goal rather than a confirmed return. Caleb Williams remains sidelined; Tyson Bagent will start Week 5, so Hilton doesn’t get his original QB back yet. Ja’Marr Chase is in concussion protocol, Higgins is day-to-day, and Scott’s Charbonnet is out. DJ Moore’s shoulder, Monangai’s thumb, Rice’s hamstring, and McConkey’s foot also deserve attention as the practice reports arrive. Set the lineup from the week’s actual availability, not from the name recognition that made you feel good in August. (Commanders update; NFL Monday updates; Sunday injury roundup)

Ashley (2–2) vs. Hilton (0–4)

Hilton gets a team missing Bryce and potentially Lamar. Ashley gets a team that has spent two weeks scoring less than its own good intentions. Hilton needs a replacement defense; Ashley needs to solve the QB seats and actually use his productive RB options. If Hilton can’t make this interesting, Richard may need to bring something stronger than oven assistance.

Phil (2–2) vs. Paul (3–1)

The two 27–17 all-play teams meet. Mahomes and McMillan are on bye, so both lose a headline name. Phil has QB alternatives and a possible Daniels return to follow; Paul has receiving depth to audition. This is the week’s best argument for looking beyond the actual records.

Danny (1–3) vs. Shawn (1–3)

One team just found a pulse; the other just fired its tight end and still couldn’t reach 100. Chase’s protocol and Danny’s kicker replacement matter. Shawn has a chance to turn one perfect Sunday into an actual streak. Whoever loses becomes 1–4, which is where “it’s early” starts sounding like an unpaid bar tab.

Scott (4–0) vs. Jerry (2–2)

The last unbeaten team loses Walker to a bye and may be without Barkley. Jerry loses Hubbard to a bye after his best score of the season. Both have roster options, and both need to make them count. Scott probably shouldn’t budget another 0.3-point emergency fund.

Thomas (2–2) vs. Rickey (2–2)

Thomas just ended Jim’s perfect start. Rickey just missed ending Scott’s by less than half a point. Two teams with useful season scoring and exactly average actual records get a chance to break out of the middle. Rickey would appreciate a result that doesn’t require reading the decimal twice.

Richard (2–2) vs. Jim (3–1)

Ole Miss reunion, now with more bench exhibits. Commissioner Richard brings two straight wins and a Kelce bye; Jim brings his first loss, Mariota’s injury, and several men who would like permission to leave the bench. Richard’s stated goal is mildly above average. Beating the league’s AI guy and making him write the recap would supply some excellent supporting documentation.

Scott is alone at 4–0. Paul has the hottest two-week offense. Richard has discovered winning. Shawn has discovered a lineup worth reading about. Jim has discovered that the newsletter’s bench section applies to the guy writing it, too.

The first byes are here. Check your available players, close your tab, and remember: the points don’t count just because you can see them on the bench. Hilton, yours may still qualify as a missing-person report.