Gentlemen. The board is cleared, the wings are gone, and somebody still doesn’t understand what superflex means. Sixteen rounds, 192 picks, and a truly heroic amount of confidence from men who have not been right about a running back since the Obama administration.

Every roster below has been run through the projection model — the same one that spent all August telling me not to draft a quarterback in the first two rounds. Scores are the optimal starting lineup: 1 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 TE, and the SUPER flex. Your bench does not count. Your bench has never counted. Your bench is a parking lot for men you were too proud to cut.

Power Rankings

#TeamSlotProjected startersThe short version
1Mighty Wieners121828Won the draft, then drafted Skyler Bell
2PuxxPhil Cornbread Cardmakers111821Four quarterbacks. FOUR.
3Oh Shoughs!61803Quietly excellent, annoyingly
4Jed York Trailer Park MVP's81797Best bench in the league, which is not a compliment
5Brock Of Ages101764Solid until round nine happened
6Luther Vandross Slow Jamz11744Had the first pick, finished sixth, thinking about it
7AJ Brown And The Out Of Towners31739Named the team after the third-best player on it
8149ers21736Owns Josh Allen. Owns eighth place.
9When In Rome41714Three running backs and a prayer
10Bareback Trailer Park Boys91704Collected quarterbacks like they were on sale
11LiquidRice;SolidScat51702Opened QB-QB. We talked about this.
12Egbuka's Clan71596Oh buddy

That’s a 232-point spread from first to last, and a 106-point canyon between eleventh and twelfth. Jerry is not in last place. Jerry is in a different area code than last place.

🍻 The Toasts

🥇 Mighty Wieners — 1828

Look, I built the model, I ran the model, and the model says I won. That’s not bias, that’s methodology. Brock Purdy at pick 36 as the QB1 is the kind of pick that makes the room go quiet in the wrong way, and then he puts up 352 and nobody says anything for four months.

Kept Pickens at 61 and Dart at 85 — both fine, neither spectacular. The real work was rounds 3 and 4 at the turn, where taking Purdy and Jeremiyah Love back-to-back built the whole roster.

One tight end. Colston Loveland, and that’s the entire plan. If he rolls an ankle in week 3, this paragraph ages like milk in a hot car.

🥈 PuxxPhil Cornbread Cardmakers — 1821

Seven points back. Seven. Phil drafted four quarterbacks — Daniels, Mahomes, Rodgers, and Kirk Cousins — in a league where you can start two, and still finished second. That is either genius or a man who kept clicking the same button and got lucky.

The actual masterstroke was keeping Jaxon Smith-Njigba at pick 86 when the board has him eighth overall. That’s a 78-slot discount on a 276-point receiver and comfortably the best keeper decision anyone made.

Four running backs though, Phil. Four. One hamstring away from starting Emmett Johnson in a playoff week.

🥉 Oh Shoughs! — 1803

The most boring excellent draft in the room. Chase, then Lamb, then Stafford, then Jacobs — no reaches, no cleverness, no moments where anyone said “what.” Kept De’Von Achane at 91 against a board rank of 15.

Danny did the thing where you just take good players in order and it works, which is deeply unsatisfying for everyone else. The only soft spot is Kyle Pitts as TE1, a sentence that has ended friendships.

🔥 The Roasts

💀 Egbuka's Clan — 1596, dead last by 106

Jerry. Buddy. Let’s walk through it.

You kept RJ Harvey at pick 31. The board has him 131st. That is a hundred-slot overpay, the single worst keeper call in the league, and it happened before the draft even started. You showed up already behind.

Then you took Joe Burrow at 7, Jared Goff at 42, and Sam Darnold at 66 — three quarterbacks in six rounds — and still ended up with the worst QB1 in the league among teams that spent a first-rounder on one. T.J. Hockenson is your tight end. Your best receiver is Justin Jefferson, who is excellent, and who is going to spend the season watching this roster like a man watching his car get towed.

Here’s the part that hurts: back in August the model ran this draft ten thousand times and flagged slot 7 as the worst seat in the room — too late for the elite quarterbacks, too early to catch the turn. Jerry drew it, then did everything in his power to prove the math conservative.

🪦 LiquidRice;SolidScat — 1702, eleventh

Hilton opened Caleb Williams at 5 and Dak Prescott at 17. Back-to-back quarterbacks. In the first two rounds.

I want to be clear that this exact scenario was war-gamed. The finding was that QB-QB openings finish below average, because you can only start two and the running backs you skipped are gone by round three. Hilton looked at that possibility and said: what if I did it anyway, but harder.

The bench is the tell — Rashee Rice kept at 116, Cam Skattebo at 92, and a starting tight end (Isaiah Likely) drafted at pick 188, which is less a strategy than a shrug.

🥴 Bareback Trailer Park Boys — 1704, tenth

Thomas has Jalen Hurts, the second-best quarterback in the league by projection, and finished tenth. That takes work.

The work in question: Baker Mayfield at 40, C.J. Stroud at 64 — three quarterbacks by round six — then six wide receivers and four running backs, which is how you end up starting Jordan Mason in a league with a flex you can’t fill.

Dalton Kincaid at 129 was genuinely nice. It’s also the only nice thing on the receipt.

💎 Best Picks of the Draft

Keepers excluded — the discount there is by design, so it’s not a flex.

Pick Rd Player Board rank Pts Team
172 15 Mark Andrews 79 168 When In Rome
152 13 Travis Kelce 82 155 Jed York Trailer Park MVP’s
188 16 Isaiah Likely 87 145 LiquidRice;SolidScat
181 16 Aaron Jones 120 164 Mighty Wieners
157 14 Jalen Coker 104 176 Mighty Wieners
129 11 Dalton Kincaid 89 144 Bareback Trailer Park Boys

Pick of the draft: Mark Andrews, 172nd overall. Paul got a 168-point tight end in round fifteen, ninety-three slots past where the board had him. He also drafted Bo Nix in the second round, so the universe does balance.

A pattern, if you’re paying attention: almost every steal is a tight end. The room does not value tight ends. The board does. Somebody is wrong, and in fairness it might be the board.

🗑️ Worst Picks of the Draft

Pick Rd Player Board rank Pts Team
106 9 Fernando Mendoza 218 151 Brock Of Ages
119 10 Jacoby Brissett 203 208 149ers
132 11 Tua Tagovailoa 217 160 Mighty Wieners
125 11 De’Zhaun Stribling 200 83 LiquidRice;SolidScat
180 15 Skyler Bell 415 20 Mighty Wieners
191 16 Kendre Miller 352 11 149ers

Worst pick of the draft: Skyler Bell, 180th overall, board rank 415. That’s me. That’s my pick. Two hundred and thirty-five slots of reach on a man projected for twenty points. I have no explanation and I am not taking questions.

In terms of picks that actually cost something, Fernando Mendoza in round nine is the one. Shawn spent a real pick on the 218th player on the board while actual starters were still sitting there. Everything else on this list is round-15 garbage time.

Worst early pick: Bo Nix at 21. Paul went and got him a full twenty-five slots ahead of the board, in round two, in a superflex league where quarterbacks were about to fall for another forty picks.

🧾 Keeper Report Card

Keeper Kept at Board rank Surplus Team
Jaxon Smith-Njigba 86 8 +78 PuxxPhil
De’Von Achane 91 15 +76 Oh Shoughs!
Rashee Rice 116 32 +84 LiquidRice;SolidScat
Chase Brown 75 23 +52 AJ Brown
Jaxson Dart 85 33 +52 Mighty Wieners
Brock Bowers 63 18 +45 Brock Of Ages
Drake Maye 17 12 +5 Jed York
Chris Olave 47 51 −4 149ers
Garrett Wilson 28 63 −35 When In Rome
RJ Harvey 31 131 −100 Egbuka’s Clan

Three men paid above market to keep a player they already owned. Jerry paid a hundred slots. That’s not a keeper, that’s a hostage situation.

🏆 Superlatives

Best single player: Josh Allen, 413 projected points, to the 149ers at pick 2 — forty-five points clear of any other human in the league. Scott owns the best player in the draft and finished eighth, which is the most fantasy football thing that has ever happened.

Most quarterbacks: tie, four apiece — PuxxPhil (2nd) and the 149ers (8th). So that settles nothing.

Most points on the bench: Jed York Trailer Park MVP’s, 1,114 points of guys who will never start. Richard drafted a very good team and then drafted a second very good team behind it.

Leanest roster: When In Rome, 846 bench points. Paul put everything in the shop window. Admirable. Fragile.

The slot-7 curse: called in August, delivered in September. Jerry never stood a chance, and then made sure of it.

How this was calculated. Every roster was scored as its best legal starting lineup — 1 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 TE, plus the SUPER flex — using my projections, which are the same ones this league has been mocking me for maintaining since July. Board rank is where a player sits on that list, so "reach" and "steal" mean relative to my numbers, not ESPN's. Kickers and defenses are ignored entirely because they are not real. Two drafted players (Kenny Gainwell, Cade Klubnik) aren't in the projection pool at all and scored zero, which is probably about right. If you disagree with your ranking, you are welcome to build your own model. I have been doing it since July. It took three weeks and I still drafted Skyler Bell.

Week 1 is Sunday. Set your lineups. Jerry, set two quarterbacks.